About My Stage Fright

from ellie voyyd's blog

when i was a kid i was in a play.
i didn't want to be in it, but i liked the story and characters.
i got on stage, and when i was up there i froze up.
i couldn't say a single word and the whole theatre stared at me
i had broken the scene.
i ran off crying, it was one of my first times being put away,
for being suicidal, i think i wasnt even a teenager yet.
i felt like a failure.
everyone wanted me to say the right lines! and i failed.
i didnt even try to say any lines,
because i knew it wouldn't be convincing even if i did.
everyone always sees right through me for some reason.
i ran away like a coward.
a few years into developing panic disorder, i remembered this
and i realized that the way i felt during panic attacks
was exactly like when i was up on that stage
and being any place that feels like a big stage triggers me -
since i was a kid the stage seemed way bigger, so
empty parking lots, big open spaces in buildings, stuff like that,
really brings me back to that time

just like when the kids on the playground would gather
around me and say "you have a crush on *****! she will never like you!"
they said "no one will EVER like you because you are WEIRD! loser!"
i was seven or eight, maybe nine years old
i got put away for bashing my head against a wall
saying i wanted to die, i wonder sometimes if i messed up my head
bashing it into the wall i know i bled a lot.
people could always tell i was "weird", i always got called that.
was it because i was trans? gay? mentally ill?
or was it just kids being kids and i just got unlucky?
i always bomb job interviews, and am not great with talking to people
because everyone can always tell i'm kind of "off" in some way.
theres nothing that can pin it down really,
i have my own theories but, they are probably psychotic delusions.

the fact that people always see right through me,
and that i know i'm not very good at acting,
when you see all the different timelines,
when you've seen all the spirals of fate coalescing,
the whirlpools in a forever-flowing river,
when you've seen the crystal library beyond space and time,
and you've spent a life pretending to be someone you're not,
life feels like a game
and everything feels like acting in a play
i always felt like that, my whole life, since i can remember
even as a kid, it seemed like, maybe there was some kind of...
some kind of glitch,
where during my reincarnation some piece got leftover,
not even a memory that was meant to be erased,
but just a vague feeling that something was unfinished.
in a past life, i left something unfinished.
maybe it is because i was adopted at birth,
never to know my birth parents. who knows.

you do your best to fit your role,
but sometimes folks can see that your heart isn't in it,
that you have doubts,
and you don't know really who you are at all,
they will say - "you are a god-damned fucking liar!"
they will wonder, "why are you lying? what is your motive?"
they will think "you must be lying to hide your EVIL."
sometimes,
everyone lies about who they are, or simplifies it for brevity
everyone feels like they are just playing a role in a play
and they are fucking terrified of forgetting their lines
terrified of not being convincing enough.