Welcome to the definition autobiography of Elucidated Voyyd.
As you can tell from my name, I am a pretentious nerd :)
I have been hipster snob as long as i can remember. I grew up in an exurb and spent a lot of time alone in nature
A family friend had a cabin in the forests of Minnesota, and I liked going for long walks in the woods.
I was a bizarre kid, i was annoyed by other kids.
I was a Schopenhauerian misanthrope before i was 10.
One of my strongest memories is begging the busdriver to turn off the radio. I hated music.
Music made all the kids act loud and annoying. People listened to it because they were afraid of silence and solitude.
Music was just a way for people to distract themselves, it was a waste of time.
This is what I always thought.
I hated Art, as well, since as far back as I remember. It was all just furniture, pointless trinkets.
None of it had any deep or sublime meaning, and when it attempted to, it felt contrived and fake.
Like millions of other people, I was put on pharmeceuticals around age 6 or 7.
Part of the giant lab experiment done on children in the US...
Adderal, Seroquil, Welbutrin, Sertraline, Prozac, on and on. Every few months, a new cocktail of drugs.
Was I just a fucked up kid from the start?
Or did the medications make things worse?
These are questions millions of other kids of my generation will probably never have answers to.
Pharmeceutical companies, psychiatrists and psychologists are run as for-profit enterprises.
Their main incentive, then, in the US, is to prescribe more drugs, more "treatment", at all costs.
I regularly suffered from psychotic episodes that often became extremely violent.
I had out-of-body experiences.
I cut myself constantly.
I was hypersexual.
I destroyed property and screamed at people.
i attempted suicide a few times.
I was institutionalized half a dozen times
Finally in middle school I was just put in permanent special needs classes.
This was fine with me, like i said i was a misanthrope and wanted nothing to do with my peers.
Unfortunately, being institutionalized from middle school until Sophomore year of high school left me... maladjusted
During some of my time in psychiatric wards, I eventually was coaxed into Art Therapy.
This was part of my path as an artist
The idea that Art could be Therepeutic stuck with me.
As an extremely mentally disturbed person, therefore, in proportion I began making a LOT of Art.
I maybe got a bit obsessed.
Since i spent most of my time up until i was 17 alone, I also spent a lot of time on the internet.
I eventually found different Forums where i found a sense of community.
I liked interacting with people on the internet.
Maybe because text is so much easier to interpret than people in the flesh.
People in the flesh always confused and scared me.
Yet I was lonely. Really, deeply lonely.
So i would find forums and chatrooms. I wrote fan fiction for a while.
Having access to the internet, and being a pseudo-intellectual hipster kid,
I naturally spent a lot of time reading wikipedia.
I liked learning, but on my own terms, when i wanted to, and about what i wanted to.
as i grew into a teenager i learned about Psychoanalysis, Surrealism, Dadaism, Philosophy etc.
This poisoned my brain a bit and made me even more snobbish and egotistical.
I spent a few years thinking i was a genius philosopher.
It wasn't until my last year of high school i had any kind of romance.
It lasted a few years. It was surprisingly normal.
When i graduated high school, I was pretty quickly hit with reality
all of my philosophy bullshit started to crumble
once i was thrown into the "real world" i realized...
things don't ever work like the thought experiments you have in your head as a wannabe philosopher.
The reality was, i'd spent my whole life institutionalized for suicidality,
on various pharmeceuticals, being physically restrained for psychotic episodes, etc...
It quickly became clear that no matter how "smart" i was, the world was going to destroy me Because of how feral, maladjusted i was, I couldn't keep a job, i could barely keep friends
meanwhile my girlfriend started calling herself my fiancee
I was never going to live a normal life... i started to realize, terrified...
I was never going to be able to hold down a job.
I was sure as hell never going to own a home.
I could never raise kids, live comfortably, this stuff wasn't in the cards.
Up until this point, i had mainly just struggled with psychosis and depression.
but i started to have a new Symptom: Anxiety.
Existential Dread.
Realizing how bleak my future was,
realizing how i relied on my parents so much for everything,
terrified of my future
i did what a lot of people do: drugs
thankfully, i never did any hard drugs. i did start smoking weed though and doing mushrooms and acid.
the first few mushroom trips i had, something weird happened
i didnt think much of it at the time, but when i was 19 or so, when i was tripping,
i felt like a girl.
i pictured myself as a girl.
I chalked it up to psychedelics just doing weird stuff to your brain and didnt think of it much.
Around this time, it was time to think about college.
as i started doing mushrooms and smoking weed, i wanted to move to the pacific northwest.
my then-fiancee didnt really like any of this.
we eventually broke up after four years.
that was my first relationship, i think it ended when i was around 22.
after that i eventually did move to washington state, but couldnt find work because i was a fuckup.
every employer always seemed weirdly suspicious of me.
i couldnt figure out why.
Whatever it was, i never got calls back.
eventually i guess, i decided, i should just be homeless cause then at least i can afford to smoke weed.
the winters in the pacific northwest werent too bad, and for most of the time i did have places to stay, my parents would send me money to help me out but only just enough for rent. sometimes though there wasnt money for rent, and so i ended up just packing up and hitch hiking around, sleeping outside, i went to LA and texas since they are easier to live outside with better weather.
idunno. a lot of the time was a blur. i lived with roommates some places,
other times i just had a tent and a nice spot to camp
it was kind of okay.
it sucked a lot of the time.
being homeless, its hard to get a job.
employers see that you are homeless, and they dont want to hire you.
idunno.
i spent three to four years wandering around trying to find a place
i eventually ended up back in my parents basement
i got a few jobs, but i was still just maladjusted and weird.
employers and coworkers thought i was a freak
i kept making art and music in a therepeutic way throughout all this.
i was able to live on my own for a few years
but i just kept having problems holding down a job
like clockwork, after about a year working somewhere, id end up getting fired
i always had unexcused absences because of my panic disorder and mental illness
i was late all the time, didnt always do a great job.
idunno.
oh. i guess also, at some point i realized
those times when i pictured myself as a girl on mushrooms kinda meant something
i guess i am a girl.
idunno. it was never really deep or a big deal.
i just kind of eventually realized thats what i am.
i guess, transitioning in your mid 20's is a lot easier, youre more mature and stuff.
idunno. i guess now at this point, i am disabled.
i get ssdi and live with 5 other trans girls
things are ok i guess.
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